The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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