Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
