nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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