your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
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