Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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