Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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