That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
