got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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