Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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