I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
