You can't motorboat a personality
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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