And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
