I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
