8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
