the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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