you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
