Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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