He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
