It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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