As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
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