woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Someone came in the potted fern
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
