My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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