Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So much Jack, so little girl.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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