I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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