Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
