Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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