The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
