So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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