This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Shame - the story of my life.
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