he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
