your parents love me but you hate me
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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