So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I am midnight drunk by noon
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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