mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
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