i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Randomize
