Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Someone came in the potted fern
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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