I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
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