You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Randomize
