Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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