talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
