I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
im six kinds of drunk right now
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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