youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Randomize
