Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
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I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
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Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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