I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
