i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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