My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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