I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
