woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
