Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
