Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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