you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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