I think my fart just growled at me.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
