Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
