I have demons in me.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
