We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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