you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
