Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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