Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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