I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
