I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
