Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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