I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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