I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Randomize
