Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT