I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs