I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted