I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...