I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
