Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Randomize
