Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
