FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
