evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Randomize
