my shit smells like andre
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
