I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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